第25章 亲爱的母亲Dear Mom2（第1页）

第25章亲爱的母亲DearMom（2）

Lately，I’vebeguntolookonmotherhoodasaninitiationinto“reallife”。Idon’tthinkIrealizeduntilJana’sbirththatthelifeI’dledpreviously—relativelyfree，easy，athelifeledbymostpeople—pastorpresent。Bybeother，Iseemtohaveacquiredautomaticmembershipintoauniversalclubmadeupofuiesaies，limitationsanddiffidsometimes，unsolvableproblems。Ofcourse，theclubhasitsbeoo。

WhenJanawakesfromherafternoonnapand，sohappytoseeme，givesmeherradiantfull-facesmile，Ismilebadfeelonmyowhesmileyouusedtogivemewhehem。Or，whehingparticularlycute，I’llglaGary，andinthelookweexgeIseetheoneIremembergbetweenyouanddadatoppositeeable。ItwasalookfulloffeelingsIilnow。

WhenIholdJaomeandlookdowntoseemyhandtightacrossherchest。OrwhenItuketaroundherwhileshesleepsandtouchtheskinofhercheek。Iseeyourhands（thhandswiththeirsmoothovalnails，steadyanddg）doihings。ThenIfeelasifsomeoftheloveayyougaveththosehandsisnowinmine，asIpassthatloveontoJana。

&herdayJanafellasleepagainstmyarm。Imusthavespewearingather，marvelicolorofherhair，thesupplenessofherskiih，movingnowandthearushIfelt，ofloveandwonder，ofdludmore。IsuddenlyrememberedsomethingIsawonyourfacelastsummer，whenIwashomeonavisitshortlyafterJana’sbirth。

&ingonthegliderswinginthebackyard。Itwasal，coolthereintheshade，andtheairwasfullranyarden。IwasholdingJaoelemovementoftheswing。

ButIwasn’tenjoyinganythingjustthen。I’dhadaroughnight。Janawassixweeksoldandhadbeenupeveryfewhours。I，fretfulandnervousasoherbe，hadbeenhavingtroublefallingbacktosleepbetweenherfeedings。Iwasdtired，andnotfeelingcheerfulaboutthismotherhoodbusiall。

Sittingontheglider，wetalked—orrather，Italked，lettingloosemyloadofayandfrustrationsonyou。Andoutoftheblue，youreachedovertotouchmyhair。

“It’ssopretty。”yousaid，anoddexpressiononyourface。“Thewaythesunishittingitjusticedyouhadshlightsbefore。”

Alittleembarrassed，preoccupiedwithhtsandproblems，Ishruggedoffyourent。Idon’tknowwhatIsaid，somethingshortanddismissive，nodoubt，asIwavedawaytheent。Butyourwordsaffectedme。Ithadbeenalongtimesineohingtrulybeautifulinme，andI

IthastakehislohatthelookyougavemethatdayisthesamelookIgiveheralmostdaily。AnditmakesmewopossiblethatyoustillseethemiramethatIseeihemagiueevenwhenyrownandgoneahemselves?WillIlookatJanainthirtyyearsandstillfeelthesamerushofloveforherthatIdonow?

Italmosthurtstothinkofthatkioovulile。Ikhebarriersthatspriweeheirovertheyears，thefriisuandings，thedailyflidstruggles，theiablepullingawayandfinalbreakforindepeothinkthatsomedayJanaaveawaymytentativewordsofloveasIdidyours。

enstrushoflove?Isitloststheway，buriedbeiicalitiesfchild?Orisitthereallalongunvoiexpressed，until，perhaps，anewchildisbornandamotherreachesouttothter’shair?

That，itseemstome，istherealmiracle:thewayamother’sloveisrediscovered，repeated，passedonagainandagain—asithasbeenhandeddowninourlivesfromyoutome，frommetoJana，andfromJaoherowisagiftinitself。

&I’vebeeosayallalongis，thanks，Mom。